


Check Please! - The Feels of Friendship

by Archexile



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Bromance, M/M, real smooth Zimmermann well done, with guest appearance by Johnson the Goalie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-25
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2018-01-06 00:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1100452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Archexile/pseuds/Archexile
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's mid season for the Samwell boys, Ransom's birthday is approaching but before they can celebrate the boys need to work out some major feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Check Please! - The Feels of Friendship

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RascalBot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RascalBot/gifts), [ngozi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ngozi/gifts).



CHECK PLEASE - THE FEELS OF FRIENDSHIP 

So since it’s Thursday, and Thursdays are the day Bittles and Ransom have class in the same building, they’re walking back to The Haus together like hockey bros. 

Ransom is looking at a lab he had handed in  
Ransom: Shit man  
Bitty: Did you flunk it?  
Ransom: FLUNK IT! ITS WORSE I GOT AN A!  
Bitty: It's...its worse?  
Ransom: THERE’S COMMENTS TELLING ME I DID THINGS  
Bitty is really surprised  
Ransom: IF I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG HOW WILL I MAKE ANY PROGRES?  
Bitty: That, that is a real conundrum  
Ransom: I...maybe I need to take some time off from hockey  
Bitty: Really? Well school does come first...  
Ransom: I...I need to call my dad.  
Ransom runs off  
Bitty goes back to The Haus  
Holster and Shitty are on the couch, Shitty is only mostly naked  
Holster: Hey where's Rans?  
Bitty: He had to call his dad about some grade or something  
Holster: What kind of grade?  
Bitty: He got an A on a lab but got comments  
Holster: COMMENTS?! HE HATES COMMENTS THAT MEANS HE HAS TO DO MORE WORK!!!  
Bitty: He said they were all good so he isn't sure what to do next  
Shitty: Uhh...the same shit again  
Bitty: He thinks he might have to take a break from Hockey.  
Holster: But..but...then...then he can't live in The Haus anymore...he won't be on the team anymore, who will I hang out with...  
Shitty: Thanks bro  
Holster: Who will I eat with! who will I...  
Shitty: sleep with?  
Jenny and Mindy, the Ghosts: HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME  
Holster: Did...did anyone hear that?  
Shitty: I heard you freaking the fuck out over nothing  
Holster: IT’S NOT NOTHING!  
Shitty: Just let HIM tell you about it and Bitty can get his little Georgia peaches back in the kitchen where he belongs  
Bitty: Hey you can't tell me what to do  
Shitty: A Frog's place is in the kitchen or on the ice.  
Bitty: None of the other guys are in the kitchen  
Shitty: They have the honor of washing my jocks.  
Bitty: Okay, enough said.  
Holster: I'm not okay with this  
Shitty: Then go be not okay with it somewhere else, you're killing my vibe

END SCENE

 

LATER THAT DAY THEY’RE PLAYING HARVARD  
(FUCK THOSE GUYS) 

Samwell (TARLY! TARLY! TARLY!) is down by 1 in the last period. Ransom and Holster are winging but Holster is thinking about what Bittles (The little shit) said earlier that day. So Holster's worrying so much that he just can't find that magical link which makes them awesome wingmen.

Holster: Shit we're already out of sync this is it I've lost him forever.

He’s not paying attention so the puck goes flying past him, Bitty makes the save and does this fabulous fall which he does a somersault out of (I KNOW THATS IMPOSSIBLE WHATEVER GUYZ) 

(and Jack sees Bitty being super good at hockey and goes all tingly and then Jack is SO PISSED because Bitty almost lost his head over a save.)

And so Jack chews Holster out

Jack: what the fuck were you doing out there either get your head in the game or get off the ice!

He gets off the ice, they send in his replacement, Snowballs, a Frog, WHO HAS NEVER PLAYED WITH RANSOM BEFORE. 

Shitty scores, no help from Snowballs. Jack gets the puck in the face off and passes to Shitty who passes to Ransom who gets caught by Harvard guys because he has no one to pass to. Harvard takes the puck but Jack takes it back and passes it to Bitty. But he’s surrounded so he smacks the puck onto the plexiglass, and it bounces off at Shitty who scores with it. The other team is so surprised by the pass that they don't even see Shitty making the goal.

END SCENE

THE LOCKER ROOM  
Of course Shitty is naked, Bitty is all "I'm going to bake a carrot cake!" Shitty's like so down with this, but like Ransom and Holster ARE NOT MAKING EYE CONTACT. Jack goes over to Holster and pushes him into the lockers  
Jack: WHAT THE FUCK HOLSTER! WHERE WAS YOUR HEAD!  
Holster: Dude chill out, I had a bad day.  
Jack: Your BAD DAY almost took Bittle's head off!  
Holster: I told him I was sorry!  
Jack: YOU WERE SLOPPY, your head was up your ass the whole game  
Bitty: Jack, it happened, we can't do anything...  
Jack: YOU ALMOST GOT KILLED  
(awkward silence)  
Jack pushes Holster into the lockers  
and walks out  
Shitty: Save me a slice.  
he walks out after him  
Bitty: he...he forgot his towel...

END SCENE

LATER AT THE HAUS (PRE-GAME BITCHES!)

Holster: Bitty you're hosting  
Bitty: I...I'm HOSTING!  
Holster: Yeah...it's...your turn...  
Bity: OMGOSH GUYS I HAVE NO TIME AND LITERALLY ALL OF THE BAKING TO DO  
And so that's literally just a panel of happy Bittles baking

Bitty: oh my goodness gracious my mother always told me this day would come my baking skills are truly put to the test today!

Holster and Ransom go up to their room and Holster just gets in bed.

Ransom: So, I actually don't have much homework to do."  
Holster: Cool.  
Ransom: And...I invited that chick you like...  
Holster: Cool.  
he rolls over  
Ransom: I got tickets to the Bruins game...  
Holster: Cool.  
Ransom: The fuck is up with you  
Holster: Nothing.  
Ransom: Bullshit.  
silence  
Ransom: You help me all the fucking time, I just wish you'd let me help you.  
(he leaves, goes down the stairs)  
he passes Shitty  
Shitty: The fuck are you going?  
Ransom: OUT.  
Shitty: Where?  
Ransom: Beer  
Shitty: get Sam Adams!  
Ransom leaves  
Shitty: Everyone's got feels tonight.  
he walks in on Bitty who is hunched over his mixing bowl.

Bitty: Precious, my precious...so pretty, my precious  
Shitty goes in for a taste, Bitty hits his finger with a spoon at lightning speed  
Bitty: MY PRECIOUS!  
Shitty: Shit man that hurt!  
Jack comes in sullen  
Bitty: THIS IS THE ONE CAKE TO RULE THEM ALL  
Shitty: What...what?  
Jack: are you going to write Ash nazg durbalabla and shit on the side?  
Shitty: What...what?  
BItty: Do you...do you like Lord of the Rings?

Bittles face = SENPAI NOTICED ME  
Jack: Is that what that is?  
Shitty: What did you think it was?  
Jack: I don't know, its just what's written on your poster  
Shitty: the...the one in his room?  
Bitty: The...the one in my room?  
Bittles face = SENPAI NOTICED ME AGAIN!  
Jack: Yeah...that...one…  
Jack just awkwardly backs out.

END SCENE

SO THE PARTY IS HAPPENING  
Shitty is in his party boxers, they have kegs on them  
Bitty is wearing a TOTES ADORBS apron (it says Kiss the Cook) (FORESHADOWING) and oven mitts, they're Penguins

Holster and Ransom are wearing opposite colors which both contrast and compliment each other but like Ransom is dancing with this chick and getting up all in herand Holster is just sort of chatting up this other girl on the other side of the house

Jack is in his room trying really hard to think of hockey plays instead of the pie maker downstairs

Bitty is actually REALLY popular with the ladies because he's super cute and has a cute accent and he's fun to talk to and he's so naive, he’s just trading recipes with everyone like he's having a drunk recipe exchange.

Shitty is like talking to this girl he knows from Women & Gender in the Victorian Period.

Shitty: No, the Bronte's totally had a better grasp of early feminism!  
Victoria: Oh but Austen had a better sense of personal agency!  
Shitty: That's true but she always surrenders her only choice to a man in the end  
Victoria: Is that a flirt or a proposition?>  
Shitty: I...I...wow…  
Victoria: Because if it's both...that mustache makes you look like Mr. Darcy  
Shitty: oh...oh...my... 

they go upstairs

MEANWHILE  
Holster starts dancing with the girl Ransom was dancing with since Ransom was getting a drink.  
Ransom: Dude, come on.  
Holster: What?  
Ransom: I share everything with you, do I have to share a girl too?  
(Notice, here is where Shitty would jump in and be all like YOU DONT OWN HER)

Holster: What are you even talking about?  
Ransom: Dude just forget it.

Ransom just goes outside  
Jack's in his room alone, he just has his desk lamp on, he's writing plays  
knock knock  
Jack: Come in...  
Bitty comes in with a slice of cake, he's SLOSHED  
Bitty: Oh hey Jack...Jackie...oh shit you hate that name. I brought you some cake, because you didn't get any. You know, that was so...so sweet of you to memorize my whole Lord of the Rings poster. You really are the BEST captain  
Bittles trips, the cake goes flying, it lands on Jack's face  
Bitty's face is utter dismay, he has ruined everything  
Jack starts laughing  
he's laughing SO HARD, he's on the floor

he wipes some cake off and throws it at Bitty, Bitty starts laughing, there's a minor cake fight  
Bitty trips and falls onto Jack the fun stops, the silence is awkward.  
Jack: I...uhh...  
Bitty: You...umm...  
Jack: Like the cake.  
Bitty: IM SO GLAD!  
Bitty: You know, I really thought I'd try something DIFFERENT this time, so I decided to try a carrot cake recipe but with chocolate instead of carrot…  
END SCENE

 

THE NEXT MORNING (WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE ONE?)  
Shitty and his new gal pal are on the couch playing Mario Kart, she's wearing his boxers but no top, he's not wearing anything.  
Jack comes down the stairs  
Jack: Have you seen Holst...SHIT MAN  
Shitty: What?  
Jack: tell your friend to put some clothes on.  
Victoria: His friend's name is Victoria.  
Shitty: Yeah. What she said, besides she's about to lose. SHIT!  
Victoria: You picked Rainbow Road, you were doomed to begin with.  
Jack: Aren't you cold?  
Victoria: I'm from Nova Scotia.  
Shitty: She's wearing undies.  
Jack: New rule! No butts on the couch!

Shitty: Aww shit, can I have my boxers back?  
Victoria: Only if you win.  
Jack: Where is everyone?  
Shitty: Ransom went out last night, I think with this girl on the soccer team? And Holst went over to the Football party. And you know where Bitty is...  
JACK BLUSHES  
Jack: He...we...I'm getting coffee.  
Shitty: Get me one! You want anything...  
Victoria: Only that first place trophy.  
Shitty: SHIT  
Victoria: I win! I'm keeping your boxers.  
Shitty: FUCK!  
Bittles comes down still wearing his apron  
Bitty: Oh hi, WHOA BOOBS  
Victoria: Oh my god! I totally forgot I had these! Thanks for reminding me.  
Shitty: Haha, good one. What's up Bitty, want to play a round?  
Victoria: You couldn't POSSIBLY be as bad as Shitty  
Bittles is BRIGHT RED AND LOOKING AT THE FLOOR OR CEILING  
Bitty: where...where is everyone?  
Shitty: What am I Hockey Mom?  
Victoria: With a minivan and everything  
They kiss  
Bitty: So I'm going to...to go get some coffee...  
Shitty: That's where Jack went.  
Bitty: oh...well...uhh...that's...nice...  
Bitty leaves

*FLASHBACK*  
*LAST NIGHT IN JACK'S ROOM*

Bitty: I'm...I'm really drunk Jack  
Jack: I know Bitty  
Bitty: I'm, I'm going to lie down in your bed.  
he does, its a queen size, big enough for two hockey players  
Bitty: Oh...oh my god Jack this bed is SO SOFT  
Jack: it's, just a bed...  
Bitty: No this is like a REAL BED unlike that piece of shit in my room.  
Jack: I'm...we can probably get another one...  
Bitty: Maybe I'll just steal yours

*FLASH FORWARD, CURRENT TIME ON THE WAY TO COFFEE*  
Jack is walking down the snowy block

Bittty: HEY WAIT UP!  
Jack: Oh...oh hey Bitty.  
Bitty: Shitty said you were getting coffee?  
Jack: oh yeah...yeah he want something?  
Bitty: no…

*INSERT PANEL*

Shitty: They better not forget my coffee  
*BACK TO JACK & BITTYS AWKWARD COFFEE DATE*

Bitty: I...was going to run some errands if you want to...  
Jack: No. I...need to get some work done.  
Bitty: Oh. Oh okay.  
Jack: Well, it's not a lot.  
Bitty: It won't take long, I just wanted to go to the store.  
Jack: For what?  
Bitty: Isn't it Ransom's birthday on Friday?  
Jack: Oh yeah it is  
THE PLOT THICKENS  
Bitty: I figured I'd make him his favorite, black and white checker cake  
Bitty: And that takes HOURS to make  
Jack: do you want help?  
Bitty: CAN YOU BAKE?!  
Jack: I used to make those nestle frozen ones with my mom  
Bitty: Oh, well it's the same basic principle

*FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT IN JACK’S ROOM*  
Jack: So...I never asked you...how did you start playing hockey  
Bitty: Well, I realized I didn't want to figure skate anymore when my partner told me I skated like a bear  
Jack: Like a bear?  
Bitty: Yeah she was such a bitch, she told me I might as well be a hockey player if I was going to grunt every time I pushed off  
Jack: Wow, but you're so fast, and nimble.  
Bitty: Yeah, for a hockey player.  
Jack: No, for anyone  
Bitty: Thanks Capt...Jack.

*FLASHFORWARD*  
*MURDER STOP & SHOP*

Bitty is just piling things on Jack  
Bitty: And some of this, and some of these, and oh, should I make raspberry cream for the frosting? Does Ransom like Raspberry cream? I'll text holster and ask him  
Bitty: do you want to get a cart?  
Jack: I'm good.  
Bitty: As long as you can see where you're going.  
Text back from Holster  
Holster: How the fuck should I know?  
Bitty: Okay, so I'll make Raspberry AND chocolate just to be safe  
Jack: You're really going overboard with this  
Bitty: Well it's only one cake, three batches of cookies, some muffins for the week and a stack of waffles.

Jack: If you put that much effort into your play…

Bitty: I might score? 

smiles

*FLASHBACK TO LAST NIGHT*  
Bitty: What, what's that sound?  
Jack: Oh, it's probably Shitty, we share a wall  
Bitty: It...it sounds like the finer points of a debate on Toni Morrison's use of religion in Songs of Solomon  
Jack: Shitty has some fucked up sex  
Bitty: I've never had fucked up sex, I've never been fucked  
Jack: oh, well...  
Bitty: I mean I just haven't met the right guy yet...  
Jack: The right...umm...guy?  
Bitty: Yeah I don't know, I'm particular I guess  
Jack: Me too...  
Bitty: Then you know what I'm talking about.  
Jack: Yes. I do.  
Bitty: I want someone who looks out for me, always has my back, is warm but not so involved, protective but also chill with me hanging out with mostly naked dudes all the time  
Jack: you mean, like...me?  
Bitty: Yeah, I mean...yeah...like you

Jack lifts Bitty's chin with his finger and kisses it gently  
He pulls back, Bitty blinks  
and throws up

*FLASH FORWARD*  
*THE WALK BACK*  
Bitty: Thanks for helping me  
Jack: Yeah just don't make it a habit  
Bitty: Maybe you can help me with my jock runs  
silence  
Bitty walks a little ahead  
Jack: We can't do this  
Bitty: I'm..I'm sorry Jack.  
Jack: Shut up! I...I can't think around you  
he drops the bags and walks the other way  
Shitty from down the block  
Shitty: Yo assholes, WHERES MY COFFEE!

*WHILE THEY’RE AT THE STORE*  
Shitty and Victoria are still playing Mario Kart  
Victoria: I bet I could beat you in COD too.  
Shitty: Oh you do, do you?  
Victoria: Do you have a PS4?  
Shitty: Fuck that shit, Holst has a 360 in his room.  
Victoria: Bullshit, 360, but It'll have to do  
Shitty: I'll grab it  
Shitty goes up to the attic  
hes still naked  
He sees Holst spooning someone  
Shitty: HEY FUCKERS TIME TO WAKE UP  
He shocks the person out of Holster's arms  
SHE falls on the floor  
Holster: FUCK MAN WHATS WRONG WITH YOU  
Shitty: Shit, I'm...sorry. I thought that was...  
Holster: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM  
Shitty: Sorry bro  
He walks downstairs, bumping into Ransom  
Shitty: Oh, Holst's got someone up there  
Ransom just rolls his eyes.  
Ransom: Fucker's going to deal with it  
Shitty: Oh well he's awake now

Victoria: Loud house.  
Shitty: You could say that  
Victoria: Listen, I have to go but, call me?  
she takes a sharpie and writes her number on his chest  
Shitty: You bet.  
She leaves the house wearing nothing but his underwear, his shoes, and a jacket she found on the coat hook.  
Shitty: Shit. I think I'm in love.  
He goes out to watch her walk down the block, but she has disappeared into the snow, instead he sees Bittle and Jack  
Shitty: WHERES MY COFFEE  
he sees Jack drop the groceries and run off  
Shitty: That's what friends are for, I guess.  
He goes and helps Bitty with the groceries  
Shitty: Is this a whole turkey?  
Bitty: It's a whole FROZEN turkey, it's heart is MADE OF ICE  
Shitty: Hey let's use it for a puck  
Bitty: I'd LIKE TO  
Shitty: Cool, well I'll bring it but Jack won't...  
Bitty: GIVE ME THE DAMN FUCKING TURKEY  
Shitty: Oh well if she means that much to you...  
It slips out of his hands and falls just inches away from his feet  
Shitty: SHIT  
Bitty: OH FUCK DID IT LAND ON YOUR FOOT?  
Shitty: Nah, just missed it.  
Bitty: Why don't you ever wear clothes?  
Shitty: Why should I?  
Bitty: Because a frozen 12 pound Turkey CAN BREAK YOUR FOOT  
Shitty: Some bitch stole my shoes...  
Bitty: I...I'm so pissed  
Shitty: I know Bittles I know. Let's go inside and listen to Beyonce  
Bitty: I...I have to cook.  
Shitty: Then listen to beyonce WHILE you cook  
Bitty: Only if you put on some clothes  
Shitty: some bitch stole my underwear...  
Bitty goes into the kitchen  
Shitty goes up to his room, it's...it's a fucking mess. But not with clothes, its actually almost all books with many sticky notes in them piled high

he puts on some underwear and pants  
Shitty: when he said clothes he didn't mean shirts  
he picks up his phone, there’s a message, he puts the phone to his ear

Natalie: Hey Mr.Knightly, just your hag girlfriend calling you to remind you that I'm coming this weekend. I hope you don't have other plans. Oh and I thought I'd bring my friend Jill. I think she'd be a good match for Jack...you know, puns aside...but not really...Also, I got you a copy of that dissertation on Hockey and The Hermaphrodite that I was telling you about...it looked like drek but hey who knows, maybe you can use the bibliography or something. Ahh, well I'll let you get back to being a bro, I know how busy you are HA. By Knighty  
Shitty: Shit  
Shitty goes downstairs, Jack is coming up  
Shitty: Whoa cowboy, where's the fire  
Johnson: MIXING METAPHORS LEADS TO AMBIGUITY IN SYNTAX  
Shitty: Where..JOHNSON WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
Johnson: WHERE?! I AM WHERE ALL THINGS ARE  
Shitty: OH FUCK YOU JOHNSON  
Johsnon: I'M IN MY ROOM, WHICH IS LOCATED ON A PLANE OF EXISTENCE WHICH IS CO-EXISTING WITH YOUR OWN  
Shitty: I...I can't stand that guy  
Shitty goes downstairs to find Bittles in the kitchen with one of the other freshman, Snowballs. Snowballs is sitting on the counter while Bittles is trying to work.  
Bitty: Snowballs get off the counter please, the food's just barely clean as it is, I don't need your butt contaminating the meat.  
Snowballs: Aww Bitty I just wanna spend time with you.  
Shitty: We all like the Beyonce.  
Bitty: Uhh I said to put clothes on.  
Shitty: I'm wearing pants, and sunglasses  
Snowballs: Yeah cool it Bittles.  
Shitty: Balls, to the wall. Now.  
Snowballs: aww fuck guys...  
Snowballs leaves  
Shitty: So...what's goin’ oooooonnnn.  
Bitty: Snowball's just...he's just...so ANNOYING  
Shitty: Yeah well you’re teammates so suck it up.  
Bitty: That’s not what I meant.  
Shitty: You’re both so young, and full of drama.  
Bitty: I’M NOT FULL OF DRAMA!  
His pouty face is adorable  
Shitty: Aww, did I make the baker mad?  
Bitty: No, Herr Captain Jack did.  
Shitty: Did he take you to your special island?  
Bitty: We went to Murder Stop & Shop…  
Shitty: Ooooooooo  
Bitty: And then he just…  
Shitty: walked away like always?  
Aww Bitty’s face is sad  
Shitty: aww, Bitty sad? Bitty wanna cry? Bitty want mommy? Tough it out Bittles, he’s your Captain, and he wants to be your friend, he’s just not very good at one of those.  
Bitty: Yeah, well you are…  
Shitty: What are you talking about Bittles? I’d be a terrible Captain.  
He takes a beer and leaves

END SCENE

BITTLES TO CAMERA BLOG TIME INDEX - SATURDAY AFTERNOON  
Bittles: So I know I’ve been behind, whatever guyz I’ve been having a gay old time I threw up on Jack last night! I guess that’s some sort of right of passage, hurling on the team captain.  
Anyway, I made friends with this guy on the team, we call him Snowballs...don’t ask...we were at practice this morning and he kept like, talking me about Beyonce. I guess he really likes Beyonce. Anyway, he got tickets to see Beyond Say What, a Beyonce drag queen cover band who’s playing at the Ballroom next week and asked me if I wanted to go. So, I said yes, because who doesn’t like drag queens singing Beyonce? I’ll try and post afterwards.  
Tonight, however, is Ransom’s birthday, and I must say, I think I outdid myself yet again. I just hope he likes it, Holster was not help, he couldn’t even tell me whether Rans preferred his chocolate or raspberry cream...anyway it has both.  
Well I have to get baking! Talk to you later guys!  
END SCENE

Horn Hill Station - Some random T station  
Shitty is waiting on the platform wearing a t-shirt and jeans, and sandals. Everyone around him is bundled up.  
The train fills the panel  
It’s gone, there’s blonde girl in a short leather jacket and tight pants. Her red lipstick is as sexy as it is striking in this blank snow scene.  
Natalie: Hello Mr. Knightly.  
Shitty: My lady  
He kisses her  
Natalie: Would you be so kind as to help me with my bags?  
Shitty: It would be my pleasure.  
They’re in Shitty’s car, well it’s actually Jack’s car. It’s a NICE AS FUCK Range Rover because Jack has more money than God and Jack likes to show off his man mobile.  
They start making out IMMEDIATELY  
Shitty: It’s...it’s Jack’s car.  
Natalie: Aww fuck, I was hoping it was YOUR tree killer.  
Shitty: Nah, just borrowing it.  
Natalie: Are you still taking care of that boy?  
Shitty: He’s my best friend.  
Natalie: I know, but you have a problem Knighty, you take on everyone else like they were your kids. Like, you’re the mother duck, and they’re your little ducklings following you around…  
Shitty pictures a duck with a Pornstache and 4 little ducklings Jack, Ransom, Holster and Bitty.  
Shitty: We’re a team.  
Natalie: Oh Knighty, you’re so gallant, so brave, Lancelot would be jealous and Guinevere would be wet...But instead you’re all mine.  
Shitty: I love it when you talk dirty.  
END SCENE

THE HAUS - NIGHTFALL  
PRE-GAME TIME  
Shitty pulls into the driveway, and by driveway I mean he pulls onto the grass and parks right in front of the front door.  
Shitty: Johnson! Ransom! Holster! Balls to the wall! KEGS IN THE CAR!  
Natalie: Am I a keg now?  
She says with a wispy smile  
Shitty: only if you want me to carry you like one  
He picks her up and puts her on his shoulder, shes laughing.  
Shitty: Boys, get the kegs inside, this one’s mine.  
He goes inside and drops Natalie on the couch. Ransom is cleaning off a table for beer pong.  
Ransom: That couch is literally covered in balls sack, like daily.  
Natalie stretches out  
Natalie: Yes but they’re Knighty’s balls so nothing I’m not used to.  
Ransom: I...gross.  
Natalie: Gross is the tremendous misuse of government funds to build aircraft carriers instead of a single payer healthcare system.  
Ransom: Wait did she call you Knighty?  
Shitty: Sir Shitty then.  
Bitty comes in with a heart shaped pie  
Bitty: I made the pie you asked for Shitty.  
Shitty: BITTLES NOT NOW  
Bitty: Oh, you must be Natalie!  
Natalie: I am! You must be Bitty!  
There’s a loud slam.  
Jack enters enraged.  
Jack: SHITTY WHY THE FUCK IS MY CAR ON THE LAWN  
Shitty: Because there were no parking spots.  
Jack: WHY ARE THERE KEGS IN MY TRUNK  
Shitty: Because you lent me your car.  
Jack: FUCKING A SHITTY  
Jack storms out  
Bitty looks down at his pie, it’s cracked down the middle.  
Natalie: Well he’s uptight.  
Bitty: He...he broke my heart.  
Snowballs enters, carrying a girl  
Snowballs: I found another girl!  
Natalie: Oh, there you are Marsha.  
Marsha is the quintessential nerd fangirl, she’s wearing a Gryffindor scarf, a Star Trek fleet insignia and a sweater that says “Winter is Coming,” she is, naturally, wearing The One Ring to Rule them All.  
(THE PLOT THICKENS)  
Marsha: Are you my Kahlessi?  
Snowballs: I...what?  
Bitty: Kahlessi! From Game of Thrones!  
Marsha: OMGOSH YOU WATCH GOT?! NONE OF THE GIRLS AT SMITH WATCH GOT?!  
Natalie: Most of those bitches are vapid meta-theorists whose only wish is to argue pedantic minutia in archaic lexicons.  
Johnson in the background is all OMGOSH I GOTTA GO TO THIS MAGICAL PLACE  
Johnson: I, I gotta go now…  
Natalie: Marsha, would you like to change?  
Marsha: Yes, I am ready to, as the biddies say “slut it up.”  
Natalie: Shitty, we’re taking your room, trust I won’t fall on any copies of Toni Morrison…  
Ransom: Him read? No, never.  
The girls go up the stairs as Holster is coming down.  
Holster looks at Ransom and books it in the other direction.  
Shitty: Ransom, fix it. Now.  
Ransom: I tried!  
Shitty: Then beat it out of him.  
Ransom: you do it, it’s my birthday.  
Shitty: Yeah, and losing your best friend will be a great present.  
Ransom: Fuck you Shitty.  
Ransom leaves, in the same direction as Holster.  
Shitty: Too easy.  
Snowballs: So...uhh what should I do now?  
Shitty: Well this place looks like shit, as it ought to.  
Bitty: you can help me make the bagel chips…  
Shitty: You can help him make bagel chips. 

END SCENE

JACK’S CAR - DOWN THE BLOCK  
Jack’s head is resting on the steering wheel.  
Shitty gets in the car.  
Shitty: Yep…  
Jack: Shitty...I can’t...I just can’t…  
Shitty: I know man. I know.  
Jack: He’s so...fucking annoying. I just want to wring his neck.  
Shitty: Really? I had no idea.  
Jack: But...like...there’s something about him…  
Shitty: look bro, its not such a big deal.  
Jack: I’ve been doing so well, I, I don’t want things to get complicated.  
Shitty: Sorry bud, they already are. 

 

THE BACK PORCH  
Ransom almost trips over Holster who is sitting on the steps  
Ransom sits down next to him.  
Holster starts to get up, but Ransom pulls him back down. 

Ransom: What’s up man, please? This is killing me.  
Holster: Are you quitting?  
Ransom: Quitting?  
Holster: YES ARE YOU QUITTING?  
Ransom: Quitting what?  
Holster: Quitting the team.  
Ransom: No. What gave you that idea.  
Holster: Bittles said something, after you got a lab back…  
Ransom: Shit man, I was freaking out when I said that. My dad calmed me down. I wouldn’t keep that from you.  
Holster: I...I got scared.  
Ransom: You’re my best friend, I tell you everything.  
Holster: I know, I guess I just forgot.  
Ransom: It happens.  
The hug it out like Hockey bros are wont to do  
Holster: Okay, so how are we going to fuck up Bittles.  
Ransom: Oh I’ve got an idea.  
They have a good evil laugh together, inexplicable lighting strikes in the background.

END SCENE

THE KITCHEN  
Snowballs is cutting bagels while Bitty checks the pot on the stove.  
Snowballs: Why didn’t you go to cooking school?  
Bitty: Because I already know how to cook!  
Snowballs: That’s true...what’re you going to major in?  
Bitty: I don’t know, something I guess.  
Snowballs: Well I want to be a doctor.  
Bitty turns around Snowballs is standing right on top of him they’re too close  
Bitty: I...can you...umm  
Marsha is in the doorway  
Marsha: Haha, well, that’s awkward.  
Bitty: I…I...I have to go...over there!  
Bitty is not very good at the Zimmermann escape trick.  
Bitty just goes to the other side of the kitchen.  
Marsha: Ooooo bagel chips…  
Bitty: I made hummus too!  
Marsha: I love hummus!  
Bitty: I love your ring.  
Marsha: Thanks! I have a million of them, I keep losing them that’s why.  
Bitty: I loved the books when I was little. I always wanted to move like Legolas.  
Marsha: Here, want it?  
She takes off the ring and offers it to Bitty  
Marsha: I’m never a Bilbo about my rings  
Bitty: You sure?!  
Marsha: sure!  
Bitty slides the ring on  
Bitty: it’s a little big  
Marsha: you’ll grow into it.  
END SCENE

THE PARTY  
Applause by Lady Gaga is playing because Ransom has been spending too much time with Bittles.  
Ransom and Holster are with a group of freshmen including Snowballs.  
Ransom: So here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to lift Bittles, strip him, toss him in the snow and not let him back in until he does the COMPLETE dance sequence from Single Ladies to my birthday liking.  
Snowballs: How is that different from any other party?  
Holster: This time he won’t know it’s coming…  
Snowballs: He won’t if he’s drunk enough…  
Ransom: So here’s the setup. Snowballs, will put a shit ton of vodka in Bittle’s customary Cosmopolitan, keep him greased Snowballs or this won’t work. After cake Holster and the Frogs will lift him and strip him. Then we watch, then we laugh. Boom. Happy Birthday. Team, let’s prank.  
Marsha and Bitty are chatting in the kitchen, Jack walks in, he stands by the door.  
Marsha: So what house are you?  
Bitty: Definitely Hufflepuff  
Marsha: Aww, that’s so sweet! I bet you’re a great finder.  
Bitty: I am! laughter  
Jack: He can really find the puck.  
Bitty frowns  
Bitty: I need a refill…  
He leaves the kitchen. Marsha and Jack are left in awkwardnessland  
Marsha: So...you...like...hockey…  
Jack: Yeah...my dad’s Bob Zimmermann.  
Marsha: Your dad’s Bob Dylan?  
Jack: What? No. Who’s that.  
Marsha: The...the musician…  
Jack looks to leave  
Marsha: No, you’re the host, I’ll make the awkward exit.  
Marsha leaves the kitchen  
Inside Shitty and Natalie are chatting, Shitty is wearing his back up party boxers, they have beer glasses on them. Victoria approaches, wearing Shitty’s real party boxers. Natalie notices them.  
Natalie: Introduce me to your friend Knighty.  
Victoria: My name’s Victoria, like the queen.  
Natalie: Charmed, I’m Natalie. Knighty’s girlfriend.  
Victoria: Oh…  
Natalie: Shitty didn’t tell you?  
Victoria: No, I…  
Shitty: We’re in an open relationship, we don’t believe in possessing each other.  
In the background Bitty is lighting the candles on Ransom’s cake, everyone starts gathering around.  
Victoria: Wow, I had no idea.  
Shitty: Yeah, I told Nat all about you.  
Natalie: I’m very interested in getting to know you…  
Shitty: I told her what you said about Jane Austen, Nat agrees with me on the Brontes.  
Natalie: Yeah, besides I find Heathcliff tragically seductive.  
Victoria: Are you serious? He’s such a tool.  
Natalie: Haven’t you noticed? I love tools.  
She twists Shitty’s pornstache  
Jack looks at the conversation and turns, standing behind Shitty  
Victoria: I’m more of a Darcy girl, the wit, the stubborness  
Natalie: Ahh, stubborn, that is something we can agree on.  
Shitty: I’m not stubborn…  
They push him away and start making out.  
He falls onto Jack who goes flying into Ransom’s cake.  
Bitty is on the floor  
Shitty gets up, realizing what happened.  
Shitty: Oh...oh wow…This is a problem…  
Bittles looks like he’s going to cry, okay so he starts crying, but he really doesn’t want to.  
Jack is so sorry  
Holster: ABORT ABORT ABORT  
Bitty: You...you ruin everything. You. Ruin. Every. Thing. EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE YOU RUIN IT! I CAN’T SCORE A FUCKING POINT WITHOUT YOU CHEWING ME OUT I CAN’T BAKE A FUCKING CAKE WITHOUT YOU’RE FACE LANDING IN IT. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!  
Bitty leaves still wearing his Kiss the Cook apron, he goes out the front door, leaving it open.  
Jack: I...I’m sorry…

END SCENE

LIKE IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING THE LAST SCENE  
Jack is on the floor, he’s on the border of an anxiety attack.  
Shitty: Oh fuck. Ransom get these fine people some more...beer. Holster be a dear and get the Frogs to clean this delicious mess up.  
He bends down to Jack, who's staring at the mess.  
Shitty: Yo, buddy, snap out of it.  
Jack: I was going to...I...was...I ruined everything.  
Shitty: Jack you just need to apologize.  
Jack: I...I can’t do anything right…  
Shitty: Jack, get your ass out that door.  
Jack: I...what?  
Shitty: YOUR FRESHMAN DEFENSIVE CENTER JUST GAVE YOU LIP IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE TEAM. YOU PUT HIM IN YOUR PLACE AS TEAM CAPTAIN.  
The world suddenly makes sense  
Jack looks Shitty in the eyes  
Shitty: GO GET HIM CAPTAIN!  
Jack runs after Bittle  
Marsha: Oh, so that’s why this is the house of awkward.  
Snowballs takes some cake off the floor and drops it in the cup he had made for Bittles  
Snowballs: Hey, guys, I made a cake shot.  
Holster: Go home Snowballs you’re drunk.  
END SCENE

THE ICE RINK  
Bittles is fabulous. That’s all I’ve got. He’s figure skating his feelings out. He’s also drunk so this is SUPER DANGEROUS.  
Jack pauses at the plexiglass, he’s amazed, he really had no idea how good Bittles was.  
He straps on his skates and goes out on the ice.  
Bittles skates away from him, there’s a bit of a chase, finally Jack catches his hand and pulls him toward himself.  
Bitty: Get the fuck off me.  
Jack doesn’t say anything  
Bitty: GET THE FUCK OFF ME JACK!  
Jack: You will never talk to me that way again.  
Bitty: I will talk to you however I WANT  
Jack: I am your captain, I demand your respect.  
Bitty: You should goddamn earn it then.  
Jack: I...I’m trying.  
Bitty: TRY HARDER!  
He pushes off of Jack, he slides back slowly and falls on his butt.  
Jack skates over a bit, he offers Bitty a hand.  
Bitty takes it.  
Jack pulls him close.  
They kiss.  
The rink is dark and they’re all alone.

END SCENE 

THE MORNING AFTER  
Shitty’s room, both Natalie and Victoria are in his arms. A copy of Toni Morrison's Jazz is in one of his hands  
Holster & Ransom’s room, Ransom is spooning a hockey stick, Holster his lying on top of him sucking on a hockey puck  
The kitchen, Marsha has made nerd camp atop the kitchen table, it is a tent, not unlike the ones that Harry Potter used whilst at the Quidditch World Cup.  
The couch, Snowballs is passed out, covered in cake.  
Jack’s room, Jack has Bitty in his arms, they’re totes adorbs.  
They’re still wearing the same clothes from last night  
hockey skates lying on the floor in front of the bed  
laces in the shape of a heart. 

END STORY


End file.
